Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
