New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize