Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
