She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
