I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
