we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
