I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
