you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
