So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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