You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
