You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
