So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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