Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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