He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize