Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize