The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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