So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
