I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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