I faked an abortion last night.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
