Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
