Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
