I cannot find my penis.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
