we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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