im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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