Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
