You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
