she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize