We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
