3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
