I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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