whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
