Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
