I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
