I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
