i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
