So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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