I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
