Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
