I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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