His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
