Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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