I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize