I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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