just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
