I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
