The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
