Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
