I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
