I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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