My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
