Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
