You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize