We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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