would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
