just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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