I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
